


overthinking and underthinking

by byakuyakuchiki



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Domestic Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hair Brushing, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Not Actually Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 13:44:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15973538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byakuyakuchiki/pseuds/byakuyakuchiki
Summary: byakuya needs an alpha to spend his heat cycle with when he chooses to take a break from his suppressants. renji has always made himself readily available. there is a lot to think about that byakuya would rather not.





	overthinking and underthinking

It is not often that Kuchiki Byakuya can enjoy a well-deserved afternoon to himself.

That the last  _ three _ days had been spent cooped up in his private quarters with few interrupts has been a blessing in its own way even though he had spent the better part of the last dozen or so years preventing this very event from occurring. Heat suppressants work as well as one can expect them to even if the space just beneath his skin itched faintly with a desire he was never willing to go out of his way to scratch. Of course, he could have bundled himself up in his room alone for a few days, but it would not have been a satisfying experience to spend alone.

When Hisana passed, Byakuya closed himself off from others on purpose. Having another partner to grow close to would only make life all the more difficult for him, and truth be told, he was never quite certain he could handle another loss. Most stayed away willingly as he slowly but surely built up his defenses over the years, though there was the odd one or two who tried to breach those defenses until Byakuya proved he was just as much bite as he was bark. Only one man had chosen to stay around, not trying to breach Byakuya’s boundaries so much as he tried to find a way to prove to Byakuya he deserved to be allowed inside.

Though Byakuya had never been one who considered it a weakness to be an omega, taking pride in every part of himself and refusing to buy into any of the toxic ideology spread through seemingly every culture, there was no way to ignore the way so many alphas acted toward him. An unmated omega was a prize to be won instead of a person whose autonomy should be observed and respected; Byakuya walked away from most experiences wiping blood off of his hands as he dealt another nasty blow to a prideful alpha who thought he could fill the hole inside of Byakuya that he had no business thinking about anyway.

In more ways than one, Abarai Renji is different. On the superficial outer levels, he was every alpha Byakuya had ever turned his back on, disinterested and disgusted, but the more time they spent together, Byakuya was forced to accept Renji was different. His boastful nature and expected stupidity would always be a part of him, but he never looked at Byakuya as lesser, always accepting Byakuya was above him in status and likely always would be. There was never any disrespect in his eyes when he followed Byakuya’s orders, and when Byakuya had his very few, very  _ very _ few moments of weakness— the anniversary of Hisana’s death came every year, after all— Renji never forcibly inserted himself into Byakuya’s life like his presence was all that was needed to fix that long-lasting trauma.

Byakuya elected not to take his suppressants this heat cycle. Taking them too often could result in bodily damage, and though Byakuya had no interest in children of his own, some part of him balked at possibly destroying the chance to have them at all. The risks finally had him backing down, but he knew the side effects of taking them so long and then suddenly stopping, that his heat would be fierce enough to knock him off of his feet and longer than it had ever been before. He had to block a week out of his schedule to be safe with the grim realization it might not be  _ enough,  _ that the fatigue would take plenty of recovery. And there was the matter of finding an alpha to spend his time with, understanding he could not do it alone.

Having to accept that had not come easily, but it helped that Renji had made himself so… Accessible, in more ways than one. He’d long since made his interest in Byakuya known but did little to actively pursue him, as if knowing— That was ridiculous, of  _ course _ he knew how Byakuya would react to such a thing. The rumors would have reached him if he was foolish enough to mention to another person that he was interested in Byakuya at all, people rushing to warn him of the fate that could befall him if he exercised no caution.

Still, Byakuya is suitably impressed Renji has the ability to exercise caution at all in any aspect of his life but especially one so delicate and fragile.

Renji quickly agreed to see Byakuya through this heat with the understanding it would not change the relationship between them, a rare feat. Byakuya was certain this would have wounded him too much for him to accept it, but he was promptly there when Byakuya told him to be and had been with him for the last three days. Admittedly, it was strange. Waking up in someone’s arms when he’d been so used to the coldness and emptiness of his room gives him something to think about— At a later date in time, of course.

Now, though, Byakuya slowly stretches, nudging a pillow a bit farther away with his foot before he slowly sits up. Having been on suppressants so long worried him when it came to stopping them, about what his body might do with the onrush of hormones, what instincts might have dulled in his time on them. He supposes it might have helped to have a partner who judged him for nothing, who asked him what he needed and gave it to him no matter what it was.

It might have made him a selfish lover, in retrospect. The last few days had been thoroughly exhausting and the heat burning low beneath his skin promises he’s far from the end of this, but Byakuya feels only minutely sore, a testament to how careful Renji has been with him this entire time. Every touch had been worshipful and reverent, like he’d been waiting for this opportunity for so long he dared not squander it, and he looked at Byakuya with such a tenderness in his eyes that Byakuya refuses to think about what it must mean even now.

Though he keeps his bedroom, including his bed, immaculate, the room is messy, and the bed is a rumpled mess of sheets, blankets, and pillows; nesting is a natural instinct of course, but Byakuya is still a bit embarrassed thinking about it. The curtains are still pulled over the windows, keeping the light of day at bay while filling the room with a warm gray light he finds soothing instead of disturbing. It doesn’t change the fact Renji is nowhere to be seen, though.

“Hey, you’re awake.” As if reading his mind, Renji steps into the room dressed in nothing but a pair of baggy gray sweatpants and, likely, nothing else. Clothing during heat is almost a waste considering how little time they spend clothed, anyway. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine.” His limbs are heavy and his joints feel loose, the edges of his consciousness fuzzy from sleep, and his tongue feels like cotton in his mouth.

Renji snorts at him, staying just out of reach as he offers Byakuya a bottle of water, the cap perched on top of it at a precarious angle, meaning he’d cracked it so Byakuya didn’t have to. “Liar. Take a drink. You want anything to eat yet?”

“Not hungry.” Byakuya rolls his shoulder before reaching for the bottle of water, frowning when Renji pulls it back out of his reach. “What are you doing?”

In answer, Renji takes his hand, the touch intimate and startling all at once, somehow more disarming than most of what they’ve done together. “Squeeze my hand.”

When it comes to physical strength, Byakuya has it in spades, but when he squeezes Renji’s hand now, he can barely exert that. “Oh. I must be tired, then.”

“Exactly. I didn’t want you to spill it all over yourself. Your hand was shaking.” Renji sits down on the edge of the nest, waving away Byakuya’s hand. “Nah, you can’t. C’mere.”

Byakuya could argue the point but doesn’t, scooting over just enough that Renji can cup the back of his neck, his hand cool against Byakuya’s warm skin. He holds him so still and so careful as he presses the edge of the bottle against Byakuya’s lips, tilting it just enough that he can sip it slowly instead of gulping it down like he wants to. Logically, Byakuya knows that he might be more vulnerable to such small acts when his biology is actively working to make him softer, but there’s something about being taken care of that makes him want to squirm away.

When he’s drank half the bottle, Renji sets it aside, brushing a few stray strands of hair out of Byakuya’s eyes. “Your hair’s a mess,” he quips, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Mm. Unfortunate.” Byakuya yawns, wiping sleep out of his eyes, his fingers quivering just enough against his eyelids to prove what Renji had said just a moment ago. Even though he understands, he can’t help but be a little irritated. “Bring me my hairbrush.”

Amusement dances in Renji’s eyes. “You really think you can brush your own hair when you couldn’t hold up a bottle of water? Let me do it for you.”

“I don’t need you to do such tasks for me.” The twinge of annoyance in Byakuya’s gut is at war with the thought that it might be nice for just a moment to let Renji do this for him.

“Are you really going to fight me over this of all things? You’d let me go down on you until you couldn’t move but I can’t brush your hair.” The disbelief in Renji’s voice only makes Byakuya’s eyes narrow even as his thighs shift under the sheets, pressing together. “You asked me to take care of you, you know. If you’d just wanted sex—”

“That’s what this  _ is, _ ” Byakuya says carefully. “You agreed that this wouldn’t change anything—”

“It doesn’t  _ have _ to change anything. You always overthink shit to this degree?” Renji laughs and Byakuya scowls at him, his pride prickled at the notion even as goosebumps dance over his skin at the sound of Renji’s laughter. Now is  _ not _ the time; this is what he gets for waiting so long. “You realize I got long hair, too, right? I know how to brush it. I’m not gonna pull it or—”

Byakuya doesn’t let him finish. “That has nothing to do with anything. Bring me the brush—”

“And if I don’t?” Renji’s dark brown eyes glitter at him, the challenge apparent in his gaze, the smirk that tugs at the corners of his mouth. “You gotta get up and go get it? If your hands aren’t steady then I’ll bet your legs can’t hold your weight. Not after this morning.”

“Maybe you were the wrong alpha to request as a heat partner after all,” Byakuya mutters.

To his surprise, Renji’s smirk softens and he sighs, rubbing a hand over his jaw. “You just gotta… I know this probably isn’t easy for you because you don’t like giving up control, right? Or letting people in. I get it, that’s your thing, part of it’s probably because she—”

“Don’t.” Byakuya twists away from him. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“I’m not saying you have to. I’m just saying that it’s not easy to be vulnerable and need someone else around after what happened. I get it, and I guess my personality is a little less savory right now. For you, anyway.” Renji is suddenly in his personal space, arms slipping around his waist, pulling Byakuya up and into his lap, wrapping around him so securely that Byakuya almost feels small. Which is  _ absurd, _ because the size difference between them is small. “I’m doing my best for you, y’know, but I can’t always just ignore that I kinda do wanna take care of you.”

Byakuya tries to ignore the softness of his voice, the way it soothes the irritation that had threatened to overtake him even for a moment. But he had been alone for many years, and untouched, and having Renji so completely in his space and understanding him has pulled the foundation from beneath his feet. “I suppose I can allow you to brush my hair."

“Thank you, taicho.” Renji drags his nose along the back of Byakuya’s neck, making him shiver in response. “You smell so good. It’s gonna kill me to brush your hair ‘cause all I’m gonna do is fan myself with your scent but it’s gonna be worth it since you’re letting me do it.”

“I told you not to call me  _ that _ when we’re… This,” Byakuya murmurs.

“Right. Sorry.” Renji kisses him behind the ear, shifting him off of his lap and back down into the nest. “I’ll be right back. Sure you don’t want any food yet?”

He finally retrieves the brush once Byakuya reassures him he still isn’t hungry, returning to his place at the edge of the nest, twirling the brush between his fingers. Before Byakuya can shift so his back is to Renji, he finds himself guided down onto the mattress, Renji’s fingers guiding his hair away from his face and neck, fanning it across his lap instead. Byakuya frowns up at him from the mattress, not sure what to make of this position.

“You’re tired still,” Renji tells him, fingers dancing down the side of his face, “and I can brush your hair just as well like this, so rest. You need it more than you think you do.”

“Just like an alpha to tell me what to do.” Byakuya sighs, pulls a blanket tighter around himself.

Renji chuckles above him before the brush starts to sift through the ends of Byakuya’s hair. “Just like you to want to argue instead of just letting me do the heavy lifting for once.”

“Do a good job of it then or I will find a different alpha if I should decide to do this again.” Byakuya is still undecided on that matter; going back on suppressants would ensure he never has to worry about this again, but the very real risk of infertility keeps him hesitant. Not wanting children now is fine; losing the chance to decide for himself is not something he likes. It does not fit in with the idea that he should be able to control his own destiny.

“Up to you if you want to but it’d just be so much easier to let me do it because I already know how to make you feel good.” There’s a note of pride in Renji’s voice at that and Byakuya sighs at him, his eyes fluttering shut. “Just breathe and let me take care of you.”

He should be more irritated with how proud Renji is of his ability to make Byakuya feel the way he does when it comes to sex, but there’s a part of him that takes pride in the fact he was the one who made this choice. He handpicked Renji to be the alpha who would accompany him during this time, and that Renji turned out to be more than adept at what he does only serves to prove that Byakuya knew exactly what he was doing when he did it. There are other alphas, but none of them would be able to treat him the same, and he knows that all too well.

The brush moving through his hair is soothing, a slow and repetitive motion that makes him sleepy, makes his limbs feel heavier and his eyes not want to open. Renji hums softly to himself as he works, careful to grasp Byakuya’s hair when he needs to work a knot loose so the motions don’t pull on his roots and risk hurting him. Renji himself has long hair, but Byakuya doubts he exercises such caution with himself. It feels more like he’s going out of his way to be careful.

When the brush is finally set aside, Renji shifts Byakuya out of his lap and Byakuya frowns at the shift in the position, unwilling to open his eyes as he stretches out a hand, grasping blindly for the alpha. Renji’s hand finds his, their fingers linking together and Byakuya’s breath catches as he tries to ignore the insistent voice in his head that keeps singsonging  _ right right right _ .

“You oughta rest for a while longer,” Renji tells him, his voice so low and soft it makes something in Byakuya ache in an unfamiliar way. “I’ll be right here when you wake back up.”

Byakuya makes a discontent noise and tries to yank him into bed, only really managing a half-hearted pull. He’s  _ exhausted, _ more than he has been in quite some time, and it shows. “No. Come back to bed. I want you here while I sleep. I want you with me.”

Instinct, he knows, because he doesn’t need Renji to watch over him and is more than capable of protecting himself if need be. But he  _ wants _ Renji here, and he doesn’t want to think about that just yet. Not when he’s barely able to stay awake, not when he’s clinging to Renji like a lifeline.

“Those are dangerous words.” Renji’s voice is gentle and teasing, and yet not, something in it ringing false, and Byakuya thinks that Renji… Is in love with him, and this might be a bit harder for Renji than he wants to admit, but he’s dealing with it just the same.

Byakuya tugs on his arm once more. “Come back to bed, alpha.”

“Your every wish is my command, omega,” Renji says, and he sounds like he  _ means _ it.

Renji keeps Byakuya’s hand in his as he shifts his body into the nest, his other arm slipping beneath Byakuya’s body, settling around his waist as he hugs Byakuya against the front of his body, pressing kisses to Byakuya’s knuckles before Byakuya takes his hand back if only so he can wrap his arms around Renji, keeping him as close as he wants him. His scent, rich and earthy with just enough spice to be notable and exciting, is like a comforting cloud around Byakuya, another layer of warmth that penetrates deeper than the blankets do.

There would be no other alpha who would treat him like this.

He knows exactly that that means whether he wants to think about it or not.


End file.
